More from our absurd current political climate

I Stole This Joke from John Stewart:

"Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US."

Scratchy Hates Ashley Smith

Remember that chick, Ashley Smith, that everybody was calling "The Angel" for talking that crazy courthouse shooter in Atlanta into turning himself in? You know the one who hung out with the guy for like 14 hours ON HER BED, but claims they didn't have sex- yup he just got out of prison and is going back for the rest of his life and he's got her, admittedly "willing to use anything god gave me" to live, and they didn't have sex? Uh huh. And remember she followed him- in her own car all by herself- so he could hide the car that he stole from the last guy he murdered, and instead of just turning around and driving to the police station, or calling the police, because of course he let her take her cell phone, she just follows him there and then, like the good, helpful christian gal she is, picks him up and drives him back to her apartment. Remember her? Well Scratchy does. And Scratchy still hates her. And she hates her even more so now that Ms. Smith just revealed that she freakin did crystal meth with the mass-murderer/houseguest- whoops, i mean she says HE did the meth that she gave him. Of course being the good christian gal that she is, she just had it around her house, but didnt do any with him. Uh Huh.


ATLANTA (Sept. 28) - Ashley Smith, the woman who says she persuaded suspected courthouse gunman Brian Nichols to release her by talking about her faith, discloses in a new book that she gave him methamphetamine during the hostage ordeal.

Smith did not share that detail with authorities at the time. But investigators said she came clean about the drugs when they interviewed her months later. They said they have no plans to charge her with drug possession.

In her book, "Unlikely Angel," released Tuesday, Smith says Nichols had her bound on her bed with masking tape and an extension cord. She says he asked for marijuana, but she did not have any, and she dug into her illegal stash of crystal meth instead.


"If I did die, I wasn't going to heaven and say, `Oh, excuse me, God. Let me wipe my nose, because I just did some drugs before I got here,"' Smith told the Augusta Chronicle.

---Scratchy Says: Ummm...you're freakin dead, and in the spirit world you dont have a goddamn nose! Idiot. You know, I don't really condone violence, but I really feel "purpose driven" to swat her on the noggin.



Police said Nichols took Smith hostage in her apartment March 11 after a shooting rampage at the Atlanta courthouse.

During the ordeal, Smith says, she pulled out Rick Warren's book "The Purpose-Driven Life" and read to Nichols a chapter called "Using What God Gave Me" to gain his trust.

---Scratchy Says: Which I guess included the crystal meth that god gave her, following him in her car that god gave her while he hid the car of the guy he recently killed (all while NOT using the cell phone that god gave her) and then giving him a lift back to her place, and then probably giving him the rest of "what god gave her"


Since Nichols' arrest, Smith has received $70,000 (euro58,309) in rewards and has been bombarded with offers for books, movies and speaking engagements. Her ordeal has been held up as an example of the redemptive power of faith.



---Scratchy Says: What the hell!?! She should be in jail for possesion! Or at laest fined some money, not given it. She did crystal meth with him- her meth mind you- and helped him dispose of a murder victim's car. She should be an accesory! You know if that was a black male that this guy ran into and he gave him meth and drove him to dump that car they would have certainly locked his ass up!



She writes that she asked Nichols if he wanted to see the danger of drugs and lifted up her tank top several inches to reveal a five-inch (12.5-centimeter) scar down the center of her torso - the aftermath of a car wreck caused by drug-induced psychosis. She says she let go of the steering wheel when she heard a voice saying, "Let go and let God."

---Scratchy Says: Holy moly what a loon!

Spunky Says: You There! Look at my Belly!!

Harvest Time for Haliburton

Well it seems Haliburton and their gang have figured out a way to make a little money on the side while over in Iraq- Organ Harvesting. Somebody over there probably said "Hey, we've got all these dead bodies just rottin' away out there. How can we make some money off them?"

In the Saudi Arabian daily Al-Watan, in an article written by a Brussels corespondent, Fakhriya Ahmad, charges that, based on secret European military reports, the U.S. military in Iraq is harvesting and selling human organs. The story was also published in the Iranian daily Jomhouri-ye Islami, as well as the Syrian daily Teshreen.

The article alleges that a secret team of American physicians follow the troops during their attacks on Iraqis to ensure quick medical operations for extracting organs and transferring them to private operations rooms before they are transferred to America for sale.

The reports have also stated that some prisoners at Abu Ghraib and other prisons were subjected to operations for extracting their organs. Following their mutilations, the bodies were discarded far from the prisons to conceal the facts. The article goes on to state that some British troops in the field have come across Iraqi bodies with organs missing and have reported it to their high command, which instructed them to maintain silence and to avoid the discussion of the subject due to its gravity.

I know, I know. this is from the saudi, the syrian and the iranian papers, not our best buds in the world, and i'm sure it's all anti-US propaganda, but how gruesomely creepy. Then again Haliburton never ceases to surprise.

Scratchy Hates Tom Cruise

Ok we know Katie Holmes is like 22 or 23 but she looks like she just got her learner's permit. Tom Cruise is like 43 or something isn't he? And the creepy way he's always holding Dakota's Fanny. . . er, I mean Dakota Fanning and gushing about how wonderful she is like he's got a crush on her. What is this guy a pedophile? Seriously though this guy's an idiot. Now that he's got all this extra attention for basically brainwashing this poor girl, Katie, now he's up on his soapbox telling everyone how harmful going to the doctor can be. Saying antidepressants are a scam and so is the whole medical profession of psychiatry. Those guys go to college for like 8 years, but you are smarter than them, right Tommy? And you're a doctor now too? No, you're not, you're an actor. That's right, you play pretend for a living. And not very well we might add- Evidence: Mission Impossible 1 and 2, Last Samurai.

Anyway, maybe Katie will be able to escape. There is a website that's pretty funny that's trying to rescue her from this little Manson (Fun Fact- Charles Manson was once a Scientology Member): www.freekatie.net

And this is a chilling report from Fox News about Katie's recent abduction, I mean engagement and the days leading up to it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Katie Holmes' Missing Days
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
By Roger Friedman

The newly engaged Katie Holmes still has some explaining to do to her friends and family.

There were 16 days in April during which no one seems to know where she was.
Holmes made a public appearance on April 4 at the premiere of "Steel Magnolias" on Broadway. She came with her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, and a couple of other friends. They were there to support Rebecca Gayheart, who was making her Broadway debut. I know this because I spoke to Holmes at length during the play's intermission. She said she had just moved into her New York apartment and was looking forward to seeing the city.

I also know that on April 4, she had not yet made the acquaintance of Tom Cruise. She briefly dated Josh Hartnett after breaking up with actor Chris Klein.

Hartnett, Klein, Cruise: Which of these three is not like the others?

Klein and Hartnett are young and tall. Cruise is middle-aged and height-challenged.
On the other hand, he's the biggest movie star in the world. They are not.

Holmes was busy during that first week in April. On April 7, she was photographed at the Fragrance Foundation's FiFi event. Four days later, Holmes was still in New York and was photographed at VH1's "Save the Music" concert. She still had not met Cruise. Sometime that week, her friends say, she flew to Los Angeles for a meeting with Cruise about a role in "Mission: Impossible 3." The meeting took place after April 11.

The next time anyone heard from Holmes was on April 27, when she appeared in public as Cruise's girlfriend and love of his life.

Where was she during those 16 days?

Somewhere during that time, she decided to fire both her manager and agent, each of whom she had been with for years and who were devoted to her. The manager, John Carrabino, also handles Renée Zellweger and is beloved by his clients.

Holmes also acquired a new best friend, Jessica Feshbach, the daughter of Joe Feshbach, a controversial Palo Alto, Calif., bond trader. The Feshbach family, according to published documents, has donated millions to the Church of Scientology. Jessica's aunt even runs a Scientology center in Florida. According to Richard Behar's now famous 1991 story in Time magazine about Scientology, the Feshbachs were the subject of congressional hearings in 1989.

Behar wrote: "The heads of several companies claimed that Feshbach operatives have spread false information to government agencies and posed in various guises — such as a Securities and Exchange Commission official — in an effort to discredit the companies and drive the stocks down. "Michael Russell, who ran a chain of business journals, testified that a Feshbach employee called his bankers and interfered with his loans. Sometimes the Feshbachs send private detectives to dig up dirt on firms, which is then shared with business reporters, brokers and fund managers."

The risk-taking Feshbachs, known the world over for making their fortune "shorting" stocks, and the level-headed, conservative Holmeses would be a difficult mix at a dinner table. Katie's father, Martin Holmes, is the senior partner in a large and respected Toledo, Ohio, law firm. His son, Martin Jr., has recently joined the firm. He's a Harvard graduate. Katie's mom, Kathy, is frequently cited in Toledo for her charity work.

There is some fear among Holmes' close circle that her instant romance with Cruise is not as organic as portrayed. For one thing, Holmes was raised a strict Catholic. Also, gone from the picture are two close Holmes friends who used to be with her when she did publicity for a film. One of these is Meghann Birie, a childhood friend who has suddenly disappeared from Holmes' world. Another, a local TV producer here in New York, was too afraid to discuss the situation with me.

We know that Cruise auditioned several actresses for this role before settling on Holmes. This column reported a story about Jennifer Garner. There have been published stories about Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba being approached. A newer one involves Scarlett Johansson, who ran for her life when presented with a fait accompli dinner at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood.

And history has been rewritten since the April 27 unveiling.

Curiously, since the Cruise-Holmes situation popped up, we have heard over and over again that Cruise was the young actress' idol when she was growing up.

That's certainly interesting because all of the publicity that used to run on Holmes — still found all over the Internet — lists another Tom as her favorite actor.

That would be Tom Hanks.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Scratchy says: "I really hate Tom Cruise. And I hate all his dumb scientology friends too- John Travolta, Kirstie Alley, that loser with the afro and the glasses on That 70's Show, Ricky Martin. Hate them all."


More Tom & Katie (we refuse to call them TomKat) news here: freekatie

Cat Facts

A group of kittens is called a Kindle and a group of cats is called a Clowder. And a group of crows os called a Murder. So when your Clowder is looking at a Murder in your backyard, don't be worried!

-Johnny

Listen!

Listen,
if stars are lit
it means - there is someone who needs it.
It means - someone wants them to be,
that someone deems those specks of spit
magnificent.
And overwrought,
in the swirls of afternoon dust,
he bursts in on God,
afraid he might be already late.
In tears,
he kisses God's sinewy hand
and begs him to guarantee
that there will definitely be a star.
He swears
he won't be able to stand that starless ordeal.

-VLADIMIR MAYAKOVSKY